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22.11.2016.

hvala Bogu na ovom tekstu koji sam danas pročitala, tužno, ali osvijestilo me je

It’s a hard pill to swallow. But the truth is going to heal your heart a lot faster than simply letting it break over and over until you finally face what you knew all along anyway: 'If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you..' There are a million possible scenarios here. It’s easier when he’s an asshole – selfish, only thinking of himself, using you to make someone else jealous, using you in general, treating you poorly, crushing you thoughtlessly, whatever. But it’s a lot harder when he’s a good guy, and you still have to let him go. When he tells you that you’re an incredible person, but he just doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Or when he really likes you, but doesn’t think you’re the one. Or when he just doesn’t feel as strongly as you do and he wants to be honest. Or when he can’t seem to make up his mind and feels confused, which he doesn’t yet realize just means that he’s afraid of hurting you, that feeling ‘confused’ just a softer way of eventually saying ‘no.’ If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t have had to make up his mind in the first place. It would just be an answer that he felt deeply in his gut. But regardless, whether he’s a wonderful guy or an asshole or somewhere in between, this is about you, moving on. Because no matter what the situation was, no matter how well he treated you or how much fun you had together or how well you got along, he doesn’t want to be with you. And that’s the truth. And that’s going to be your life raft for the next several weeks or months, no matter how much you don’t want to grab onto it. It is what is going to eventually help you come to peace with the end of your relationship, or the fizzling out of your fling, or the ‘no more talking’ after you guys spent so much time ‘talking.’ It is the truth, and as ugly as it is, it will be the only thing that can help you move on: 'If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.' It’s easy to try to soften the blow. He needs time, or he just needs a little space, or he’s just afraid of commitment and I just need to reassure him, or he builds walls and it’s my job to kick through them. But think about the way you feel about him. How easy and natural and obvious it feels. How you don’t even need to question whether or not you should be with him, because it just feels right in your veins. How, even if you were scared of committing to someone or getting hurt or opening yourself up, you were still willing to do it, because your heart had already made up your mind. You wanted to be with him, so you were. The decision was simple. It really wasn’t even a decision at all. Now can you imagine feeling all those things but choosing not to be with him anyway? That’s why your heart is broken. Because he didn’t feel those things. He didn’t feel that same certainty that you did, deep in your bones. And you can’t change that, and you can’t fix yourself, and there’s nothing you did wrong. It’s just the truth. His heart didn’t make the decision for his brain, because his heart is in a different place from yours. And that really, really sucks. And you just have to accept it. And that sucks even more. Maybe you’ll get over this in weeks, maybe months. Maybe longer. It will hurt, some days will be horrible and some will be okay. But the smallest of silver linings is this: you can let your heart break once – instead of breaking it a million times by convincing yourself that he’s making a mistake or he probably misses you or you should call him. Love yourself enough to be hard on yourself: If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

08.11.2016.

NBH

Stojim tako uz prozor gledajući u umiruću noć i razmišljam o sebi opremljenoj za neki novi miroljubiv i pokajnički susret sa životom. Moja će lutanja potrajati dok živim, a hoću li pronaći put koji će me dovesti sebi ili ću skončati kao tuđinac sebi samoj? Temelj moje nade zasad ne postoji. Pada mi napamet jednostavan izlaz – ne biti. Ne biti ni sretan ni tužan, ni ružan ni lijep, ni poslušan ni nepokoran, jednostavno – ne biti. Odbacujem pomisao. I pored svega što je bilo i što jeste, opredjeljujem se za život makar mi se činilo da on više nema smisla. "Ali, činjenica da život nema smisla razlog je da se živi, uostalom jedini koji postoji.

19.10.2016.

hladan bezdan

Depresija, crnilo, loše vrijeme, sivilo vani, sivilo u duši, hladnoća, drhataji, anksioznost, samoća, mrak.. Ne znam šta da mislim i radim, pomoglo bi more i ljeto, da sjedim cijeli dan na klupi, u hladu, pored mora.

11.10.2016.

TUGA

01.10.2016.

da li sve kada prestaje počinje, da li sve sada prestaje?

Još dva dana i ponovo fakultet, nisam spremna. Željela sam ova dva dana provesti dobro, ali neplanirano i nerazmišljajući sam se dogovorila sa nekim poznanicima da idemo na izlet, kasnije sam shvatila da mi se ne ide i da bih radila neke druge stvari, ali neću odgoditi, možda bude lijepo. Pokušavam da ne očekujem ništa od A., ali me poremeti sa nekim porukama. Nema ništa od toga. Pokušat ću se fokusirati na fakultet što više, i nekako preživjeti zimu uhh. Evo pogledah slučajno na kalendar 01.10. već. Ovih dana mi naviru mnoga sjećanja, i neka nova, za koja nisam znala da su tu negdje u meni. Pa se onda rastužim, sve prolazi, a ja nikako da se pomirim s tim.

15.09.2016.

Danas 4 godine kako sam napravila blog :)

14.09.2016.

jesen samo što nije, sve više te ima pod kapcima

Jesen samo što nije, sve više te ima pod kapcima. Izbegavam da se javim, jer... znaš... sapleo bih se o reči, pao bih na najosetljivijem mestu u najnezgodnijem trenutku, pogrešno bi razumela, ispalo bi da je sve bilo pogrešno, možda bih se rasplakao, jebiga, jesen samo što nije, bolje da ćutim. Izbegavam da te se setim, jer... znaš... ne mogu da te zaboravim. Voleli smo se kao da verujemo u ljubav, izgledalo je kao da ljubav može da nam veruje. Pre tebe traćio sam snove, nisam stigao da sanjam to što mi se s tobom ostvarilo. Bio sam zatečen lepotom, tvojom i onoga što me snašlo, malo kom životu se takav život dogodi, nisam znao da li se umire na početku, od sreće, ili na kraju, od tuge, u samoći. Jebiga, sada znam. GT

11.09.2016.

NBH

Noćas sam shvatio da sam samo biljka presađena na pogrešnom mjestu, u pogrešno vrijeme, na pogrešan način, biljka koja je trebala mnogo Sunca da procvjeta, a Sunca nije bilo.

10.09.2016.

...

'Sama, sjetna, umorna, gledam kako se u gaju iza rijeke začinje bezbroj novih života. I pored turobnog neba i sitnih kapi kiše što uporno sipi, u nosnicama osjećam taj neveseli miris jeseni. I mislim o tome kako sve prođe..'


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